I Wrote About My Trauma to Tell My Story, Not to Hurt Anyone

 I don’t want to hurt anyone. Seriously. I really don’t. I may unintentionally offend strangers when I refuse to answer their messages that only say “Hello” or “Hey there, beautiful,” but my hurting people is NOT intentional. I made this very clear in a post on my Facebook author page when, after one person’s actions inspired a story idea and that person later passed away, I DO NOT want to hurt people with my writing.

 

That’s not what my writing is for.

 

Although what I write may bring up painful memories for people. But that is not my intention with my writing.

 

It’s hard to write about trauma and harder still to write about horrible things from our past. I once started a trauma journal, but after two writing episodes, I was done. I couldn’t write more.

 

But now I can, and I did.

 

I wrote about some horrible things from my past in my recent poetry book, 3 A.M. Poetry. 

 

 

I had already written about similar topics in my poetry chapbook, The House That Madness Built. 

 

 

 The only difference is that 3 A.M. goes deeper and explores the darker regions of my pain and depression. It also explores my addiction (to alcohol) and the struggles with mental health issues that resulted from the extensive trauma. It’s more personal. The House that Madness Built mainly focuses on the dysfunctional family dynamics I grew up with.

 

I only wrote about all this because it’s my story to tell. That is something that happened in my past and I felt it was time to step forward and talk about it. If people want to know about the kind of life I have had, all they need to do is read my poems, my blog posts, my essay collection and, at some point, my memoir.

 

But I don’t write all of that stuff as a way of hurting someone. That is NOT my intention at all. I only write about it because it is my story to tell, my experiences, and something that I personally have a right to talk about and share.

 

You know, I’m not going to be here forever. After I’m gone, all that’s left are the words I have written. And since people like to make up a lot of stories about me or assume a lot of bullshit about me, then I feel compelled to tell MY story.

 

The poems in those books are all things I have gone through. My experiences and my feelings. This was me showing a side of myself I was too scared to talk about in the past. This was me revealing why my alcoholism was so bad and why it lasted for so long. What drove me to drink in the first place was that everybody in my family drank, so naturally I started drinking too. But then my trauma made it worse.

 

I am no longer in that prison anymore, though. Sure, sometimes the trauma hits me hard, but for the most part, I am happy with my life now. I am no longer an alcoholic and I no longer want to take my own life.

 

I don’t want pity for what I have gone through, either. I only want to have my story told. I want people to understand why I am the way I am, and where I came from. (Sadly, many people have assumed that because of my burns or disabilities, I have had it easy and was treated with pity or special privileges when I was growing up. Uh, no!)

 

Hopefully, the act of writing about my trauma will give other people who have been through something similar the strength to share their stories too. We should not keep these things bottled up or hidden away. Our stories need to be told and out in plain sight.

 

And I want people to know that the nightmare they are going through WILL come to an end at some point. I did not succeed in trying to take my life and I am grateful for that every single day. Life got better.

 

It DOES get better. We just have to hold on and try to make it through. It’s worth it to hold on. I promise.

 

I hope that is what people will take away from this book after they read it. That is why I ended the book with two poems that offered hope, because there IS hope. The hell I was in did not last forever for me and it won’t last forever for anyone else going through something similar, either.

 

So hold on, because your future is worth it.

Turning Pain into Poetry

 

 

There are a lot of ways to write about our pain and trauma. Most people usually write about it in a journal or, if they don’t mind having an audience, on a blog. I have done both of these in the past, as well as writing about my pain and trauma in a personal essay. Sometimes I turned it into something I used in a story.

 

One other way I put my pain into words, however, is by writing about it in my poetry.

 

I started writing poetry at a young age, so I have been writing it for a very long time. Some days, poetry is all I write. I have written so much poetry over the years that crafting poems is a second nature for me.

 

Even so, putting my pain and trauma into verse is not something that I do very often. I’d rather forget about my pain and trauma than write about it, though one of my recent ebooks shared what I learned about writing about our trauma. In fact, it is that knowledge alone that helped guide me towards writing about my pain and trauma in a journal.

 

But, put it into poetry? That’s a little different.

 

When I wrote the poems in my new poetry book, The House That Madness Built, I did not write about what happened in graphic terms or write about it directly.

 

For the most part, I focused on how those experiences affected me. What they made me feel. My reactions and observations.

 

The hardest poem for me to write, though, was the one about when I discovered my cat had been murdered. My younger brother had put her into the dryer. I spent all day calling for her and looking for her. Then my brother told me to check the laundry in the dryer. I did, figuring I could use a break from looking for my cat. I opened the dryer door and the first thing I pulled out was my dead cat. Through my screams and tears, I saw my younger brother smiling.

 

This was not the only trauma I endured because of him, but it was extremely difficult for me to write about it. But after I wrote that poem, I felt like my cat’s death will not be forgotten. In a way, this poem was her cry over the injustice of what was done to her. And my cry over how very wrong it all was.

 

Putting memories into words have that kind of power. They can unburden us from our pain. They can serve as a voice we are unable to find or speak with ourselves. And they can help set us free from all of it.

 

Putting our painful experiences into poems can help us see them in a new light. That’s what kind of result I got out of this. Not all poetry is flowery or purple prose. Not all poetry is happy and inspirational. There are some poems out there written about sad topics in history, as well as painful experiences people go through. And for some people, putting their pain and trauma into a poem is the only way they can write about it.

 

By putting all of that pain into a book and telling my story of having survived all those things, it is like walking free into the future. I don’t carry those burdens around anymore; they now live within the pages of my poetry book. This book that tells the story of some of the darkest chapters of my life.

 

So why did I choose to have it published? There are MANY other poems I wrote about painful experiences which I keep packed away. There are MANY essays I wrote during hard times that won’t ever see print.

 

Well, I chose to move forward with getting these poems published because I wanted my story in print. I want it out there. It is also a good way for me to prepare for when my memoir, which also contains some other painful experiences, will be published as well. This is just another step I am taking in sharing my pain and trauma in a public platform. Everyone has the right to tell their stories. These are some of mine.

 

I am grateful to Written Tales for publishing my book. And thank you, Kevin Saitta, for editing the poems and putting it all together into a book I am happy with. It helped me to heal. And just as my story had a happy ending, I hope that it will let others know that no matter how dark things are now, there is a light at the end.

 

Here is the blurb:

 

Within the pages of this chapbook, you will delve into the profound and harrowing journey of author Dawn Colclasure. Her collection of confessional poems is a reflection of the darkest chapters of her life. Dawn's narrative unfolds from the haunting echoes of a turbulent childhood marred by abuse and violence to the heart-wrenching betrayal of trust through sexual assault. Through her verses, you will bear witness to the moments when hopelessness eclipsed the possibility of a brighter future, prompting her to grapple with thoughts of self-harm. As a survivor of severe burns, Dawn endured relentless bullying and painful rejection, ultimately leading to a profound sense of low self-esteem, self-hatred, and the suffocating embrace of depression.

 

"The House That Madness Built" stands as a testament to a life entrenched in turmoil, a life that spiraled into the depths of alcoholism and despair. Yet, it is also a story of resilience, redemption, and the stark moment of reckoning when Dawn was forced to confront her addictions. This collection takes you on an exploration of her choices between life and death, a profound and transformative odyssey that paints a striking portrait of the human spirit's enduring will to survive.

 

Here is the buy link

A Journey Towards Healing: New Poetry Book, A Tiny Light, Sheds Light on a Difficult Path

 

I don’t dwell on the past, but sometimes it seeps into my writing. Then there are other times I can look back at my past, see the difficult experiences I had to go through to find my way, and realize that they all tell a story.

 

In some ways, poetry can tell stories, too – in the poems written during difficult times that eventually came to an end.

 

I have been through a lot of difficult situations in life (who hasn’t, right??) and, sadly, a lot of them contributed to my addiction to alcohol. I did eventually get sober, but it was in getting sober that I found my inner strength. The “tiny light” within myself that has kept me strong for over five years since I stopped drinking.

 

But I had to go through a lot of hard stuff first to get there!

 

The poems in this little book share those difficult moments – the rejection I felt in society, among people and even with family because of some reason or another; the VERY uncomfortable awkwardness I experienced after reconciling with my husband and trying to regain his trust and acceptance; the heartbreak and anger over lost love; the discomfort I endured with a former job as a burn survivor with burn scars on my face; experiencing rejection and loneliness in my marriage; and coming to terms with certain lingering issues in my life until, finally, recognizing the importance of letting go of everything that caused pain and weighed me down and finding my inner strength to stand alone on my own two feet.

 

Instead of looking back on these painful events of my past, I now see them as stepping stones to finding my own strength and learning to love myself no matter what happens. Kicking the drinking habit helped, yes, but I knew I had to go deeper than deal with my drinking problem. I had to resolve and make peace with these painful past experiences. So now I can look at this small collection of poems as a victory in overcoming my battle with drinking and shedding the baggage that weighed me down.

 

The poems in this book may be personal poems (confessional poems may be the better term), but hopefully they may resonate with readers and empower them at the end.

 

Here is the book’s blurb:

 

There are hardships in life that can drive people over the edge -- and, in the author's case, it drove her to alcoholism.

The poems in this book capture just some of the things that kept the author trapped in her addiction. She eventually broke free of addiction, made peace with her past and present, and found a tiny light within herself that gave her the strength to carry on as a stronger person free of the chains of alcoholism.

 

 

A Tiny Light is available as a free download on Smashwords

Tips for Writing Painful Past Experiences

“The only thing I hate writing about the past is writing about the past.”

 

This thought lingered in my head on the day I sat down to write about a frightening paranormal experience I endured at one house I lived in. Before the time came to start writing about this experience, I tried to mentally prepare myself for the task. I knew it was going to make me uncomfortable and that it was going to be hard to remember things that I’d rather forget, but at the same time, I also knew that it was very important to write about this experience. That experience brought challenges to me. I encountered things I hadn’t before in my experiences with the paranormal. I learned what I had to do in order to tackle those issues. This important lesson is something that needs to be shared with others, in the hopes that it will help them should they have this experience as well. That way, if they ever read my story, they can get a couple of tips on things they can do.

 

And that’s the thing about writing about our past. It needs to have that takeaway value. It needs to serve as an educational tool to help others should they ever end up in the same situation. Yes, we are writing about a difficult situation, but the fact that we are no longer in that situation is ultimately what matters. By writing about it, we are saying “I survived this and here is just how I managed to do that.”

 

On the other hand, writing about the past can serve as a form of entertainment as well. I love sharing funny stories with others, and it’s always appreciated when someone who is writing their life stories shares humorous anecdotes as well. These bits of humor can help alleviate any tension, make the reading experience better and enlighten an otherwise boring situation.

 

But what happens when the past experiences we are writing about are too traumatic for us to write about, let alone talk about?

 

There are actually some things you can do.

 

Take your time to write about it.

You don’t have to write about an unpleasant experience in one sitting. Sure, it’s probably better to just write all of it and get it over with, but don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. If you need time to write about it, take the time. This is especially a good idea if that unpleasant experience included many difficult moments.

 

Double check your memory of it, if you can.

We usually make unpleasant memories worse than they really were. This is part of our tendency to blow things out of proportion. And sometimes, the memory can be so bad, the emotions we end up feeling because of it make it seem it was a lot worse than it really was. If you journaled or blogged about your experience, read over what you wrote to verify what really happened. The same goes if you posted about it on social media. Finally, if you shared the experience with friends or a counselor, double check with them as well.

 

Talk to someone to help you through it.

If you have a partner, close friend, close relative or a therapist, ask them to coach you or be a shoulder to lean on while you write about painful experiences. If it is too much for you to do alone, then don’t do it alone. You also might find comfort from your faith, a member of your church, or through meditation.

 

Look for something good that came out of you surviving it.

Are you a survivor of abuse? Did you beat cancer? Did your child survive a horrible illness? If so, hold on to that point in your story. These are the GOOD things that came out of your experience. There was a happy ending or it’s all over with now. As you recount your painful past experience in your writing, try to see something good that came out of it and hold onto this one good thing to help you get through the writing. If anything, chances are pretty good that you are stronger just for surviving that very thing.

 

Writing about painful and scary past experiences can be hard, but it is therapeutic. I gotta say that after I finished writing about that experience, I actually felt better. Memories about that experience no longer lingered in my mind. I “got rid of it” by putting it all down onto paper. It didn’t have to exist in my head or memories anymore because now it would exist somewhere else.

 

I was also reminded of the good side of that bad experience: The memories of the people who helped me to get through it. I once again felt grateful to the people who took the time to help me out with that and offer advice on what to do.

 

And, finally, after writing about it, I was glad to just get it over with. I wrote about it. That uncomfortable task was done. I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I was able to go ahead and do other things – specifically, pleasant things that helped me to feel better. I read books, laughed over funny memes I saw on Facebook, and got hot cocoa with my kids while we were out. Doing something pleasant after having to do that unpleasant task of writing about a bad memory helped me to get over the discomfort and renewed sense of fear I felt from writing about it. And it just made getting through that task all the more worthwhile.