What We Write About When We Write About Death

 

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“How do I write kindly about someone who bullied me?”

 

This is the question that lingered in my mind this week, because that person recently passed away. This situation got me thinking about how we write about death, as well as the people who have passed away.

 

When I told someone about a book I have been writing in which I write poems in memory of people who have passed away, he wanted to know how it was possible for me to write these poems about people that I didn’t even know. That’s right; I have written poems honoring the memory of celebrities, public people, famous people, and important people – and they were all people I never knew or met. People like Michael Landon, Princess Diana, John F. Kennedy, Jr. and even Ozzy Osbourne. I never knew these people. Never met them. But their deaths affected me, so I wrote those poems.

 

When it comes to writing about death, however, that’s when extra care should be used. Death is such a delicate subject to write about. There is so much that we don’t know about death, about the great beyond. We don’t know what it’s like for a person breathing their very last unless we are the ones to do this. We don’t know what people see when they are about to die – though some people have told stories.

 

Death is a subject I have written extensively about, and not just in the scope of grieving the loss of a loved one. In a poetry book that will be released next month, I explore the topic of death as an object of fascination, the superstitions attached to it, the stigma associated with it, as well as how some people crave death so much that they live as though they are not living at all. I have met people who were so obsessed with death that they even pursued careers that had them handling corpses in some way. And a novel I have planned explores one such fascination with death that it drives someone to make it happen in a variety of ways just so he can witness it again and again.

 

Writers have taken other approaches when writing about death. In the novel The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak, the story is narrated by Death. In Scythe by Neal Shusterman, Death is also a character, as well as a role in the story. Then there is the portrayal of Death in various movies and plays.

 

The big thing that tripped me up about writing about my former bully, though, was how others would feel after reading what I wrote about him in this poem. Especially his wife and his adult kids. This, too, is one aspect of writing about the death of someone that must be handled delicately. What words will we write about someone after they are gone? How does someone’s death affect us as a whole? Of course, how they lived will affect what we think of them after they have died. It will affect how we feel about them – if we feel anything at all.

 

Ultimately, however, it can depend on our own personal experience with that person. We can’t expect someone who was abused by their parent to write lovingly about that parent after they are gone. We can’t expect someone whose last encounter with a person being a painful one to reflect upon them fondly after they have died. To do so would be fake, and writers are doing a disservice to their readers when they are being fake with their writing.

 

Still, this person’s death was not about me. It was not about how I knew him, my experiences with him, or what I thought of him. I can keep this to myself, in private, but never in something that will last after I, too, must leave this mortal coil.

 

But here I was, presented with this task of writing about someone for my poetry book, and unsure of just how I should write about him, because my experience in knowing this person was more negative than positive. Never mind that he once gave me a ride on his motorcycle. Never mind that he once took me on a test drive when I was learning how to drive. Never mind that he helped me out with a couple of things I was stuck on with a book I was writing. His bullying was what stood out when I remembered him.

 

And that’s not what I wanted to affect the poem I had to write for this book. Because this book is not about me. It is not about how I knew someone. Ultimately, the poems in this book are meant to serve as a lasting testament to a life someone lived. And these poems do not include the bad things they have done while alive.

 

The key to writing about someone in a positive way when we were not close to them when they were alive is to find a method that works best for us. One way to do this is to change the narrative and record the lessons we learned from these people. Or we could change up how we see their death and write about it in a way that feels more comfortable for us. Alternatively, we could write about our very last positive encounter with this person, if there was one, or we could write about their qualities or personality that people liked about them.

 

There is a poem in this book that I wrote about someone who often physically assaulted me, but I did not mention this at all in the poem I wrote about him after he passed away. Other people knew him in different ways that did not include violence, so I kept the violence out of the poem and wrote about his good qualities that made him so likable.

 

Yes, I wrote kindly about a former bully after he passed away. And I know that if I can do that once, for someone I knew for a lesser period of time than my other former bully, then I can do that again.       

In Praise of Fathers Supporting the Young Writers in Their Lives

 

My dad and I at a poetry event in San Francisco

 

This Father’s Day, my kids and I will be celebrating their dad. As for me, my dad has been gone for eleven years, but I will still be thinking about him too. My dad and I may have had some complications, but there is one thing that I will always remember about him: He supported my writing.

 

As a young adult, my dad helped me to understand contracts I received for getting books and my writing published. He also offered pointers on the query letters I sent through the mail. (This was before sending queries through email became standard.) He asked to read my stories and he was supportive when I wanted to buy writing magazines. He bought me an electronic typewriter (a step up from the traditional typewriter I used!) and also tackled printer problems when I was trying to print out my work on the computer.

 

It was my dad and one of my sisters who went with me to San Francisco to attend a poetry event. And my dad often shared about my writing when people visited at our home.

 

Both of my parents were very supportive of my writing and I am grateful that my dad would show that same support too. In fact, they agreed to allow me to host meetings of a poetry club that I ran inside of their home.

 

The support of my parents is something that meant a lot to me. I’m glad they were so supportive of my writing when I was growing up, especially my dad.

 

This is the kind of thing that lingers in the mind and heart of a young writer. And as an adult, these are the kinds of memories that I cherish.

 

I’m grateful to my dad for being supportive of my writing and even helping out when he needed to.

 

I think a father supporting a young writer, or fathers who are writers supporting their kids who take to writing, play a very pivotal role in that young writer’s life. This kind of support from a parent tells the young writer, “I see you. I value you. I support you.”

 

This kind of support not only encourages the young writer to keep writing, but it also tells the young writer that maybe they are doing something right.

Tips for Writing Painful Past Experiences

“The only thing I hate writing about the past is writing about the past.”

 

This thought lingered in my head on the day I sat down to write about a frightening paranormal experience I endured at one house I lived in. Before the time came to start writing about this experience, I tried to mentally prepare myself for the task. I knew it was going to make me uncomfortable and that it was going to be hard to remember things that I’d rather forget, but at the same time, I also knew that it was very important to write about this experience. That experience brought challenges to me. I encountered things I hadn’t before in my experiences with the paranormal. I learned what I had to do in order to tackle those issues. This important lesson is something that needs to be shared with others, in the hopes that it will help them should they have this experience as well. That way, if they ever read my story, they can get a couple of tips on things they can do.

 

And that’s the thing about writing about our past. It needs to have that takeaway value. It needs to serve as an educational tool to help others should they ever end up in the same situation. Yes, we are writing about a difficult situation, but the fact that we are no longer in that situation is ultimately what matters. By writing about it, we are saying “I survived this and here is just how I managed to do that.”

 

On the other hand, writing about the past can serve as a form of entertainment as well. I love sharing funny stories with others, and it’s always appreciated when someone who is writing their life stories shares humorous anecdotes as well. These bits of humor can help alleviate any tension, make the reading experience better and enlighten an otherwise boring situation.

 

But what happens when the past experiences we are writing about are too traumatic for us to write about, let alone talk about?

 

There are actually some things you can do.

 

Take your time to write about it.

You don’t have to write about an unpleasant experience in one sitting. Sure, it’s probably better to just write all of it and get it over with, but don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. If you need time to write about it, take the time. This is especially a good idea if that unpleasant experience included many difficult moments.

 

Double check your memory of it, if you can.

We usually make unpleasant memories worse than they really were. This is part of our tendency to blow things out of proportion. And sometimes, the memory can be so bad, the emotions we end up feeling because of it make it seem it was a lot worse than it really was. If you journaled or blogged about your experience, read over what you wrote to verify what really happened. The same goes if you posted about it on social media. Finally, if you shared the experience with friends or a counselor, double check with them as well.

 

Talk to someone to help you through it.

If you have a partner, close friend, close relative or a therapist, ask them to coach you or be a shoulder to lean on while you write about painful experiences. If it is too much for you to do alone, then don’t do it alone. You also might find comfort from your faith, a member of your church, or through meditation.

 

Look for something good that came out of you surviving it.

Are you a survivor of abuse? Did you beat cancer? Did your child survive a horrible illness? If so, hold on to that point in your story. These are the GOOD things that came out of your experience. There was a happy ending or it’s all over with now. As you recount your painful past experience in your writing, try to see something good that came out of it and hold onto this one good thing to help you get through the writing. If anything, chances are pretty good that you are stronger just for surviving that very thing.

 

Writing about painful and scary past experiences can be hard, but it is therapeutic. I gotta say that after I finished writing about that experience, I actually felt better. Memories about that experience no longer lingered in my mind. I “got rid of it” by putting it all down onto paper. It didn’t have to exist in my head or memories anymore because now it would exist somewhere else.

 

I was also reminded of the good side of that bad experience: The memories of the people who helped me to get through it. I once again felt grateful to the people who took the time to help me out with that and offer advice on what to do.

 

And, finally, after writing about it, I was glad to just get it over with. I wrote about it. That uncomfortable task was done. I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I was able to go ahead and do other things – specifically, pleasant things that helped me to feel better. I read books, laughed over funny memes I saw on Facebook, and got hot cocoa with my kids while we were out. Doing something pleasant after having to do that unpleasant task of writing about a bad memory helped me to get over the discomfort and renewed sense of fear I felt from writing about it. And it just made getting through that task all the more worthwhile.