A Public and Private Grief

 

Photo Credit: Sandy Millar at Unsplash

 

They say “write what you know.” For me, I write what I live.

 

Most of the ideas that I have for the things that I write come from real life. Some of these things, such as novels and poems, are inspired by real events. (Some of the poems in my poetry book, Other, are based on real events. They were written after I learned of either the murder or suicides of some people in the LGBTQ+ community.) Other events that happened in my life inspired what I wrote, be it the death of someone I knew, a dream, or actual events that happened to me personally.

 

With a poetry book I have coming out next week, Last Writes, many of the poems in the grief section of the book were written after my older brother passed away last year. Because of this, I dedicated that part of the book to his memory.

 

With another poetry book that I wrote, Poems for the Grieving Heart, I was inspired to write it after grieving the loss of different people in my life. Grief also inspired other poems I wrote in that book where it was not a personal loss.

 

Grief is a major topic in my life right now. Today, I remember how I grieved the loss of one of my best friends, my “wolf sister” July Burke Deadrich, who passed away six years ago. Today is her birthday, so I am remembering her as well as the poem I wrote following her death. I actually wrote two memorial poems for her. One of them was too personal, so I did not choose it as a poem to include in a book of memorial poems which I am writing. I also wrote a poem after her brother passed away, which happened some time before her death. He, too, was my friend, so I was very grieved when I received the news that he was gone.

 

But the poems I write following a person’s death are not always the ones that I will attempt to have published. I want the poems in the memorial poems book to be poems that everyone could relate to and appreciate (which is why I wrote several drafts of the poem for my brother before I finally had one that wasn’t so personal). And I am quietly, privately grieving the recent loss of a cousin who took her life. She, too, will have a poem in this book.

 

But all of this begs the question: Should grief be something that is put on display?

 

One of the comments my editor made while she was editing Last Writes is that one of the poems really captured one of the feelings a person grieving the loss of a loved one is going through. She had that same comment for another poem, one that touches on how a person experiencing loss will have both anger and sadness about a loved one’s death. Both of these poems were written while I was grieving the loss of my brother, so they were both real, honest, and raw in all of their emotions. I held nothing back for those poems I wrote shortly after his passing.

 

Most people may feel that grief should be something that we experience privately. It should be something that we give in to only after we are finally alone again, done with our social obligations. I am reminded of an episode of the TV show Good Times, when the mother of the family smashes a glass bowl, exclaiming “Damn! Damn! Damn!” then giving in to her sadness over her husband’s passing by finally allowing herself to cry. She does this when she is finally alone. This captures so well how many people try to hold in their grief while they continue with their lives – going to work, attending events, going to appointments, etc.

 

Shortly after my sister-in-law, Shannah, passed away at the age of 35, I broke down and cried while I was at work. But I made sure I was alone when it happened, because I did not want to alarm the individuals I was caring for at that time. (If you can get bereavement at your job after a loved one passes, take it. Seriously.)

 

As far as whether or not our grief should be public or private, I think that is a personal choice. In some cases, sharing grief with family members as well as friends can be therapeutic. We never get over our grief, we never see it end. We only learn to live with it. But having someone to talk to about it, especially during the rough patches, can really help us to get through it.

 

But as far as being written about in a book or posted on a blog, like I did with the poem I wrote after my cousin, Mark’s, death? I do this for those they leave behind. Yes, I grieve privately, for myself, but I also grieve publicly, for others. My public grief is there because I want there to be something “out there” that the person’s family and loved ones can appreciate, cherish, and remember someone fondly with. And I want them to know that I share their pain.

 

Grief is a universal experience. It is something which all of us experience. I hope the poems in both of my books – Poems for the Grieving Heart and Last Writes – will give readers something they can relate to, see themselves in, and hopefully find comfort from. These books are a shoulder to cry on, the hand to hold, and the friend to lean on in times of sorrow.

 

For this reason, what’s written should be made public. Absolutely. It should be made available to everyone, but especially for the people who need it. Because most people do.