A Public and Private Grief

 

Photo Credit: Sandy Millar at Unsplash

 

They say “write what you know.” For me, I write what I live.

 

Most of the ideas that I have for the things that I write come from real life. Some of these things, such as novels and poems, are inspired by real events. (Some of the poems in my poetry book, Other, are based on real events. They were written after I learned of either the murder or suicides of some people in the LGBTQ+ community.) Other events that happened in my life inspired what I wrote, be it the death of someone I knew, a dream, or actual events that happened to me personally.

 

With a poetry book I have coming out next week, Last Writes, many of the poems in the grief section of the book were written after my older brother passed away last year. Because of this, I dedicated that part of the book to his memory.

 

With another poetry book that I wrote, Poems for the Grieving Heart, I was inspired to write it after grieving the loss of different people in my life. Grief also inspired other poems I wrote in that book where it was not a personal loss.

 

Grief is a major topic in my life right now. Today, I remember how I grieved the loss of one of my best friends, my “wolf sister” July Burke Deadrich, who passed away six years ago. Today is her birthday, so I am remembering her as well as the poem I wrote following her death. I actually wrote two memorial poems for her. One of them was too personal, so I did not choose it as a poem to include in a book of memorial poems which I am writing. I also wrote a poem after her brother passed away, which happened some time before her death. He, too, was my friend, so I was very grieved when I received the news that he was gone.

 

But the poems I write following a person’s death are not always the ones that I will attempt to have published. I want the poems in the memorial poems book to be poems that everyone could relate to and appreciate (which is why I wrote several drafts of the poem for my brother before I finally had one that wasn’t so personal). And I am quietly, privately grieving the recent loss of a cousin who took her life. She, too, will have a poem in this book.

 

But all of this begs the question: Should grief be something that is put on display?

 

One of the comments my editor made while she was editing Last Writes is that one of the poems really captured one of the feelings a person grieving the loss of a loved one is going through. She had that same comment for another poem, one that touches on how a person experiencing loss will have both anger and sadness about a loved one’s death. Both of these poems were written while I was grieving the loss of my brother, so they were both real, honest, and raw in all of their emotions. I held nothing back for those poems I wrote shortly after his passing.

 

Most people may feel that grief should be something that we experience privately. It should be something that we give in to only after we are finally alone again, done with our social obligations. I am reminded of an episode of the TV show Good Times, when the mother of the family smashes a glass bowl, exclaiming “Damn! Damn! Damn!” then giving in to her sadness over her husband’s passing by finally allowing herself to cry. She does this when she is finally alone. This captures so well how many people try to hold in their grief while they continue with their lives – going to work, attending events, going to appointments, etc.

 

Shortly after my sister-in-law, Shannah, passed away at the age of 35, I broke down and cried while I was at work. But I made sure I was alone when it happened, because I did not want to alarm the individuals I was caring for at that time. (If you can get bereavement at your job after a loved one passes, take it. Seriously.)

 

As far as whether or not our grief should be public or private, I think that is a personal choice. In some cases, sharing grief with family members as well as friends can be therapeutic. We never get over our grief, we never see it end. We only learn to live with it. But having someone to talk to about it, especially during the rough patches, can really help us to get through it.

 

But as far as being written about in a book or posted on a blog, like I did with the poem I wrote after my cousin, Mark’s, death? I do this for those they leave behind. Yes, I grieve privately, for myself, but I also grieve publicly, for others. My public grief is there because I want there to be something “out there” that the person’s family and loved ones can appreciate, cherish, and remember someone fondly with. And I want them to know that I share their pain.

 

Grief is a universal experience. It is something which all of us experience. I hope the poems in both of my books – Poems for the Grieving Heart and Last Writes – will give readers something they can relate to, see themselves in, and hopefully find comfort from. These books are a shoulder to cry on, the hand to hold, and the friend to lean on in times of sorrow.

 

For this reason, what’s written should be made public. Absolutely. It should be made available to everyone, but especially for the people who need it. Because most people do.

 

Sesame Street and the very, very, very odd sentence

One thing my family can agree on: You CANNOT watch TV with me. Or movies, either. I'm one of those people who takes what they see on TV and includes narrative. It's not something like Mysterious Science Theater 3000, but more like a running commentary on what I am seeing.

For example, one day as my daughter was watching an episode of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, I made the comment of how kids cannot survive in outer space without a spacesuit when Jimmy and his friends built rockets out of theme park rides and flew into outer space to save their parents.

On another occasion, when we saw a TV commercial advertising yogurt that has labels which try to teach kids the alphabet, I started ranting and raving about how the letter "K" could not possibly be for "karate teacher." According to my rant, the proper word is sensei. "Just say 'karate'!" I fumed.

My daughter learned two things that day. 1: A karate teacher is called a sensei. And 2: Never, ever try to convince Mommy that "K" is for "karate teacher." Ever.

As it is, last night, I was watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Gates McFadden's character, Dr. Crusher, had a mysterious patient who finally awoke from his coma. That was the good news. The bad news was that he couldn't remember his name, where he came from or anything about what happened that caused him to end up in sickbay. Of course, this lead into a commercial break, where I promptly shrugged my shoulders and said, "Maybe it's a temporary thing."

I bring all of this up because, sometimes, I look for an opportunity to teach my kids things when it comes to TV. Sure, I like to poke fun at what we see some of the time, or elaborate on just WHY a particular commercial was "so dumb." (And I'm not the only person in my extended family who does this. My father cracked jokes at movies he watched all the time, and some of my siblings would offer funny lines of dialogue for those suspenseful moments of silence in TV shows and movies. It's a family affair, I guess.)

Sometimes, I also take what I see on TV shows and commercials to teach my oldest child something about writing. The other day, for example, I was on the couch with my children, watching Sesame Street. At one point, the Muppets Elmo and Lulu asked a little boy to write out their story. The title of the story? "The Princess with the Very, Very, Very Long Hair." Ugh.

I rolled my eyes, looked at my daughter and said, "You know, you don't need to say 'very, very, very long hair.' Just say very long hair! And show people how long her hair is by saying something like 'her hair was so long, it reached down to her feet' or 'her hair grew past her feet.'"

I don't think that this left much of an impression on her. She just nodded then continued to watch the program. But, hey, at least I tried. It's Sesame Street, not Writing Lessons for Children.

Maybe I'll just stick to jokes from now on.

Ask me if I give a....

This morning, I was surprised to read about how SNL newcomer Jenny Slate said the "f" word on Saturday night's episode--and how it slipped past censors. According to the article, East Coast viewers heard her say the "f" word loud and clear.

I was surprised by this because it's late-night TV. Why on earth would something like that be considered offensive? It's not like children are watching the show (though if they were, how did that happen? SNL isn't even suitable for young viewers, to begin with.). Additionally, swearing on a late-night TV program is not anything new. I raised an eyebrow when Andy Sipowicz called someone an "a--hole" on an episode of NYPD Blue, but the show's badge of controversy allowed for such language.

Well, according to most people who read that article, this kinda thing bored them. I, too, started to wonder why this was even "news." She only said a swear word, it's not like she flashed her boobs. Any adult who has not lived under a rock their entire lives has heard swear words, even said some swear words themselves. Swear words on a TV program, even late-night TV programs, are nothing new. Ms. Slate is not the first to say such a word on SNL -- and I have a feeling she won't be the last.

This makes one wonder what swear words are okay to say, and what words aren't. Watch any George Carlin skit and you'll hear every swear word in the book. But watch a network program and you won't hear so many. I suppose some words, "a--hole" among them, are okay, but some words are not.

As a writer, I couldn't help but equate this (unimportant) uproar with what's acceptable in literature. Perhaps with some books, some magazines and some online media, a swear word or two are allowed. But very often, a swear word will be either broken up or clustered with asterisks and dashes. In the August issue of Psychology Today, for example, the "f" word has an asterisk in it. In the September issue of Poetry Magazine, you will find the "f" word printed in all its glory. Twice.

Where do we draw the line? What kind of guidelines should we follow when we are using a swear word in our writing? Writers have long debated over whether it's a good idea to use a swear word or not. Proponents say that is how their characters speak. Opponents say, it's a lazy cop-out for good writing.

Everybody has their own writing style and their own way of writing things.

Personally, I feel that Ms. Slate's imagined slip-up wasn't really a slip-up after all. She was depicting a biker chick, and that is how a biker chick would talk. That's exactly the kind of language such a character would use.

This begs the question: Why should staying true to the character be considered such a crime?

"It's fiction!"

I have been struggling with certain issues with writing this new MG series. I've mentioned before how I was worried it might incite a negative response from the parents of kids reading these books. Something along the lines of "you shouldn't be filling my kid's head with ghost stories!" or "these children are too young to be reading about kids and ghosts!" But then I remember that these books are NOT meant to be some kind of "guide" or reference for children interested in ghosts.

In fact, they are JUST STORIES. Complete works of FICTION.Yes, I know writers and actors tend to get this very response from people. Who can forget what Timothy Busfield went through after his character made an insensitive remark to his wife in thirtysomething?? It's a nice thought that we can say "it's fiction" or "it's fantasy" and not have to deal with people ready to boycott a show or ban a book. But that's not going to take away the possibility people will still get upset.

I know J.K. Rowling faced this very problem with her Harry Potter books, AFTER they came out. Funny thing is, my situations with writing these books have even been compared with J.K. Rowling, even though MY books aren't even published yet! (Yes, they CAN be considered fantasy instead of suspense or mystery. I'm going to go with that!) And in my case, my books aren't even published yet and I'm worrying over the same thing happening to me NOW. While I am writing Book One. In no way do I expect to be "the next J.K. Rowling" or have "the next Harry Potter." Even though I DO want to say "my books are FANTASY, people!" and hide under the covers. But this kind of thing can happen to EVERY WRITER, EVERY ACTOR. And everyone else trying to spin a good yarn COMPLETELY made of fiction! As in, "NOT TRUE."

The very claim that "it's fiction!" is what is helping me to deal with this inner turmoil and write my stories, anyway. Why am I writing them, anyway? I am writing them for the readers. I KNOW that there will always be readers who understand that a story is only a story. That it's not real. That it's all make-believe. And I really think that kids are smart enough to understand that it's all make-believe, too. Most kids are smarter than we give them credit for. They know that a story is just something made-up. They read these stories for the sheer purpose of escaping into that fantasy world. Of playing pretend. It's an experience so many children know so well, and one which so many of them enjoy. For this reason, the writing of these books will continue.