I Wrote a Chapter in My WIP – Then I Felt Guilty About It

 

Many of my friends and family know that my days are pretty full. I spend a lot of time on work for the press during the week, as well as working on my monthly newsletter, any articles with deadlines coming up, and the book review gig. So, when I do something that is either NOT related to the press or which is non-paying work, I tend to feel guilty. Of course, I remind myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty for focusing on a non-paying thing. Not everything we do has to be monetized! But that guilt is there.

 

This is especially true if I do something for myself first thing in the morning, instead of something for other people. Or the press. I know, I don’t have to drive my kids to work or school anymore, and my ADULT kids pretty much have their own responsibilities. But I DO have work for the press waiting for me every morning, so to spend time doing something for me and not for the press can make that guilt hit me hard.

 

But then I decided that I am allowed to have some time for myself in the mornings, right after I wake up. So, getting in some time to write is perfectly okay. I also spend any time I have available at night for writing.

 

Except for that one day this week when I spent A LONG TIME writing first thing in the morning, time that took away from when I had things to do for the press. And while I was happy that I FINALLY wrote a chapter that I had been carrying around in my head for several days, I felt guilty spending so much time writing it.

 

Even if it was a good thing to get some writing done. We writers all talk about it: “I wrote today! Woo-hoo!” It’s so common to complain about never having the time to write, so when we do get that time to write, it’s definitely a reason to celebrate, instead of feeling guilty. Unfortunately, some of us writers DO have to contend with that guilt! No matter how happy we are that we were finally able to write, there is a bit of guilt tugging at us for spending time writing.

 

We are so encouraged to focus ALL of our time and energy on other people and other responsibilities instead of spending any time doing something that WE want to do. Something for ourselves. So, when we do take that time for ourselves, then, naturally, we feel guilty about it! It was such a SELFISH thing to do. An IRRESPONSIBLE thing to do! How dare we do something for ourselves!

 

But the fact is, we DO need to spend some time on ourselves every day too. It’s important to look out for ourselves, and not just other people. That’s part of being an adult: Being responsible for ourselves and taking care of ourselves. Just as we must make sure that we get enough sleep, take our vitamins, drink lots of water, and keep ourselves clean, we must also tend to our needs and wants on a daily basis. (Well, the GOOD kind of needs and wants, anyway. Like rest!)

 

And not only do we often have to deal with our own feelings of guilt, but we have society telling us that we MUST only focus on other peoples’ needs and wants, and never on ours. That’s part of the hustle culture that so many of us, especially freelancers and entrepreneurs, fall victim to. We can never focus on doing something for ourselves, because we have to stay busy working for others 24/7/365.  

 

However, now that I’m in my fifties and my kids are grown up, I am learning to adjust to a new kind of life where it is okay to spend more time doing something for myself or working on something for myself. (At least, until I have grandchildren!) It’s not easy, though; I still deal with the guilt! But these days, I have that kind of freedom. My mornings are once again mine.

 

But even as I make this adjustment to a new chapter in my life, I not only deal with the guilt of not spending my every waking moment taking care of my kids, but I’m also worried that I am being selfish in wanting to have more control over my time. When my kids were little, I had to balance my time with their time. I spent more time taking my kids to school, sports, classes, appointments, playdates, parties, etc., than I did focusing on my own interests, hobbies, and pursuits. To now be able to have that time, I feel like using it is selfish. And every day that I spend a majority of my time working from home as well as doing other things, such as reading and writing, I still always ask myself: Am I being selfish?

 

What’s interesting is that, for the chapter that I wrote, I was writing about whether or not it is selfish to pursue a dream. I suppose guilt could be a part of that equation. However, when we do something that we want to do (such as watch a movie), something that we need to do (eat a meal), or something that we enjoy doing (such as writing!), we might have to deal with feelings of guilt AND selfishness. No matter what we may tell ourselves (“I’m taking care of myself” or “I am working on improving myself”), those feelings of selfishness and guilt can ruin the whole thing. But I think that, as long as we balance the rest of our time with focusing on OTHER people and OTHERS’ needs, then we should not allow ourselves to feel all of that guilt and selfishness.

 

And that’s the best way to counter our feelings of guilt when we do something for ourselves. When we finish that, THEN focus on other peoples’ needs and wants.

 

I firmly believe that we should take some time each day to do something for ourselves. This will contribute to caring for our mental health. If all we do every day is give and give and give, without treating ourselves or doing something for ourselves, then we will only feel drained and burnt out. We owe it to ourselves to take some time each day to do something that brings joy or contentment to our lives. Having that “me time” is important.

 

And not only can we fight back against the feelings of guilt and selfishness by balancing the scale and focusing on others, but we can also remind ourselves that we are doing something to keep our responsibility to ourselves in check.

 

As for me, I know I should not feel guilty when I spend a large amount of time writing in one of my Works-In-Progress. I may be an editor, publisher, book reviewer and freelance writer – but I AM also an author. It is my responsibility to myself to write my books, FINISH writing my books, and to getting more of my books out there. As it is, I have three publishers who are interested in receiving more of my manuscript submissions. I have books scheduled for publication in 2027 and 2028. The 2028 book is one I am currently revising. So, yeah, I DO need to spend as much time as possible working on those books!

 

As it is, I RARELY have time to work on my books, so I should appreciate when I do have the time to write something for my books. I’m glad I FINALLY wrote that chapter. And you know what? Here’s to hoping that I will write many more!

Tips for Writing Painful Past Experiences

“The only thing I hate writing about the past is writing about the past.”

 

This thought lingered in my head on the day I sat down to write about a frightening paranormal experience I endured at one house I lived in. Before the time came to start writing about this experience, I tried to mentally prepare myself for the task. I knew it was going to make me uncomfortable and that it was going to be hard to remember things that I’d rather forget, but at the same time, I also knew that it was very important to write about this experience. That experience brought challenges to me. I encountered things I hadn’t before in my experiences with the paranormal. I learned what I had to do in order to tackle those issues. This important lesson is something that needs to be shared with others, in the hopes that it will help them should they have this experience as well. That way, if they ever read my story, they can get a couple of tips on things they can do.

 

And that’s the thing about writing about our past. It needs to have that takeaway value. It needs to serve as an educational tool to help others should they ever end up in the same situation. Yes, we are writing about a difficult situation, but the fact that we are no longer in that situation is ultimately what matters. By writing about it, we are saying “I survived this and here is just how I managed to do that.”

 

On the other hand, writing about the past can serve as a form of entertainment as well. I love sharing funny stories with others, and it’s always appreciated when someone who is writing their life stories shares humorous anecdotes as well. These bits of humor can help alleviate any tension, make the reading experience better and enlighten an otherwise boring situation.

 

But what happens when the past experiences we are writing about are too traumatic for us to write about, let alone talk about?

 

There are actually some things you can do.

 

Take your time to write about it.

You don’t have to write about an unpleasant experience in one sitting. Sure, it’s probably better to just write all of it and get it over with, but don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. If you need time to write about it, take the time. This is especially a good idea if that unpleasant experience included many difficult moments.

 

Double check your memory of it, if you can.

We usually make unpleasant memories worse than they really were. This is part of our tendency to blow things out of proportion. And sometimes, the memory can be so bad, the emotions we end up feeling because of it make it seem it was a lot worse than it really was. If you journaled or blogged about your experience, read over what you wrote to verify what really happened. The same goes if you posted about it on social media. Finally, if you shared the experience with friends or a counselor, double check with them as well.

 

Talk to someone to help you through it.

If you have a partner, close friend, close relative or a therapist, ask them to coach you or be a shoulder to lean on while you write about painful experiences. If it is too much for you to do alone, then don’t do it alone. You also might find comfort from your faith, a member of your church, or through meditation.

 

Look for something good that came out of you surviving it.

Are you a survivor of abuse? Did you beat cancer? Did your child survive a horrible illness? If so, hold on to that point in your story. These are the GOOD things that came out of your experience. There was a happy ending or it’s all over with now. As you recount your painful past experience in your writing, try to see something good that came out of it and hold onto this one good thing to help you get through the writing. If anything, chances are pretty good that you are stronger just for surviving that very thing.

 

Writing about painful and scary past experiences can be hard, but it is therapeutic. I gotta say that after I finished writing about that experience, I actually felt better. Memories about that experience no longer lingered in my mind. I “got rid of it” by putting it all down onto paper. It didn’t have to exist in my head or memories anymore because now it would exist somewhere else.

 

I was also reminded of the good side of that bad experience: The memories of the people who helped me to get through it. I once again felt grateful to the people who took the time to help me out with that and offer advice on what to do.

 

And, finally, after writing about it, I was glad to just get it over with. I wrote about it. That uncomfortable task was done. I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I was able to go ahead and do other things – specifically, pleasant things that helped me to feel better. I read books, laughed over funny memes I saw on Facebook, and got hot cocoa with my kids while we were out. Doing something pleasant after having to do that unpleasant task of writing about a bad memory helped me to get over the discomfort and renewed sense of fear I felt from writing about it. And it just made getting through that task all the more worthwhile.