Fighting Back Against Common Writer Problems

 

Photo Credit:  xusenru via Pixabay

Some people know that I have chronic depression. But not everybody knows what exactly I am dealing with when I share that “my depression is hitting me hard.” It’s not something I can snap out of. It’s not something that will magically go away if you tell me things like “it could be worse” or “things will get better.” Duh. I know all of this. That’s not going to change anything. I won’t suddenly feel better and be able to do stuff again. So when my depression hits me hard, it hits me hard. I have no desire to do ANYTHING. I am overwhelmed with sadness. There is no motivation, no anticipation, and no drive to do stuff. Just sadness. And it just comes out of nowhere; nothing triggers it. It just happens.

 

That’s what happened to me last weekend – particularly, on a Sunday, when I had stuff to do. And nothing really seemed to help, although my husband taking the time to talk with me did alleviate some of my pain.

 

And since that day, I have been trying to get back on track with everything. It has been a slow process, though. But I have been spending this week trying to regain the strength I had to push aside that depression and keep going.

 

Monday was a hard day too, though. I was able to do a few things, but there was NO motivation to write. At the end of the day, though, I wrote in my journal (which is my daily habit) and I got excited over how I managed to write a whole page in my journal. That helped a lot.

 

And I think that is what helped me to get some of my motivation to write back, because on Tuesday, I was able to write again! Yay! I got some writing done both in a short story I was writing and in a book I am revising.

 

But there were other things I could have written on Tuesday. But I didn’t write them. Why?

 

I had a different beast to contend with. A beast that was telling me things like “You are the worst writer on the entire planet!” and “Nobody cares about anything you write, so why bother?” and “Your writing sucks!”

 

The problem was, part of me was believing all of that. And I knew that if I REALLY believed all of that, then I would never write again.

 

With everything I have going on right now, I couldn’t let that happen!

 

I have a book I needed to finish revising and get back into print, because I KNOW it will be useful to other writers out there!

 

I have a series I need to finish writing and get published with a new publisher!

 

I have another book that I need to finish editing and get it back into print!

 

I have another book that I need to finish revising and get it out there in the world because one person in that book will be very happy when it is finally published!

 

And I have short stories that I need to either write or finish revising for anthologies that I have been attached to.

 

In other words, there are people out there who are relying on me to keep writing and keep working!

 

And I HAVE to keep writing and working on these projects even if the voices in my head are telling me that I’m full of shit and that my writing stinks.

 

It took me a while to realize that something bigger was going on here. It wasn’t just self-doubt I was dealing with. No, this was something worse.

 

This was IMPOSTER SYNDROME.

 

Yes, that’s right. I was now dealing with Imposter Syndrome.

 

Those voices in my head telling me that I should give up because my writing wasn’t worth anything were a product of Imposter Syndrome.

 

Once I reminded myself of the need to keep writing because of all of those people depending on me to turn work in, I felt both strength and anger surge through me. Strength to get back up again and get back to work, and anger at this THING in my head that was trying to stand in my way. This THING in my head that was trying to keep me down.

 

I gave that thing a face and I said to that face, “You know what? Fuck you!” And I mentally punched it!

 

Did it work? Well, I was able to work on ONE of my books again, and I was able to write/revise a short story. That was all that I had the strength for. But it was enough.

 

This experience in combatting Imposter Syndrome helped me to realize that I CAN rise above it, because now I know how to fight it: Reminding myself of the people depending on me to get shit done, and finding the strength to fight back. To punch Imposter Syndrome right in the face!

 

The next day, I managed to write a thousand words in my novel, even though I hated every word. (I told myself that it’s a first draft and I can always fix it later.)

 

And now I have written this blog post, too. Take that, Imposter Syndrome!

 

What’s interesting is that on the same day that I wrote this blog post, I came across a Substack post for one of the Substacks I am subscribed to: “Imposter Syndrome” by Loralee Clark.

 

Reading this post really made me appreciate overcoming my own bout with Imposter Syndrome. It is very hard to do, but not impossible.

 

I loved how she wrote: “Sometimes Imposter Syndrome leaves us in this untenable position where we believe there is something wrong with us and then we are stuck in the reality of not good enough. Let’s begin to move away from this untruth.” As I was grappling with imposter Syndrome, what terrified me is just how easy it was to believe all the things that voice in my head was telling me. That my writing isn’t good enough. Who on earth am I to even DARE to write at all? I was only setting myself up for failure and embarrassment if I even so much as submitted my work. But THESE ARE ALL LIES! It’s just a matter of seeing them for what they are: Untruths.

 

Another quote I loved from this piece was this one: “Having doubts and feeling vulnerable—perfectly normal. Not allowing ourselves full creative expression? Harmful.” Imposter Syndrome can ruin our whole day and every single attempt we make to try to create. By giving in to this terrible affliction, we are robbing ourselves of our creativity. We are shunning that part of ourselves that not only wants to be creative but NEEDS to be creative.

 

And that’s why it’s so important to fight back against Imposter Syndrome. There are suggestions offered in that post. Or you can do what I did and just punch it in the face!

 

Seriously, there is no right or wrong way to deal with Imposter Syndrome. It really is a personal choice. The important thing is that you don’t allow it to fester or continue to rent space in your head.   

 

So this week was all about tackling three things that could spell disaster for a writer, especially a writer with deadlines! They were depression, lack of motivation, and Imposter Syndrome. Unfortunately, I don’t have a way to banish the depression when it is hitting me that hard, but I do know that it helped A LOT to have someone there to talk to me and show compassion for what I was going through. Just someone BEING THERE helped a lot. Maybe that’s a solution, maybe not. But doing something proactive when faced with adversary is better than accepting it and letting it get worse.  

Turning Pain into Poetry

 

 

There are a lot of ways to write about our pain and trauma. Most people usually write about it in a journal or, if they don’t mind having an audience, on a blog. I have done both of these in the past, as well as writing about my pain and trauma in a personal essay. Sometimes I turned it into something I used in a story.

 

One other way I put my pain into words, however, is by writing about it in my poetry.

 

I started writing poetry at a young age, so I have been writing it for a very long time. Some days, poetry is all I write. I have written so much poetry over the years that crafting poems is a second nature for me.

 

Even so, putting my pain and trauma into verse is not something that I do very often. I’d rather forget about my pain and trauma than write about it, though one of my recent ebooks shared what I learned about writing about our trauma. In fact, it is that knowledge alone that helped guide me towards writing about my pain and trauma in a journal.

 

But, put it into poetry? That’s a little different.

 

When I wrote the poems in my new poetry book, The House That Madness Built, I did not write about what happened in graphic terms or write about it directly.

 

For the most part, I focused on how those experiences affected me. What they made me feel. My reactions and observations.

 

The hardest poem for me to write, though, was the one about when I discovered my cat had been murdered. My younger brother had put her into the dryer. I spent all day calling for her and looking for her. Then my brother told me to check the laundry in the dryer. I did, figuring I could use a break from looking for my cat. I opened the dryer door and the first thing I pulled out was my dead cat. Through my screams and tears, I saw my younger brother smiling.

 

This was not the only trauma I endured because of him, but it was extremely difficult for me to write about it. But after I wrote that poem, I felt like my cat’s death will not be forgotten. In a way, this poem was her cry over the injustice of what was done to her. And my cry over how very wrong it all was.

 

Putting memories into words have that kind of power. They can unburden us from our pain. They can serve as a voice we are unable to find or speak with ourselves. And they can help set us free from all of it.

 

Putting our painful experiences into poems can help us see them in a new light. That’s what kind of result I got out of this. Not all poetry is flowery or purple prose. Not all poetry is happy and inspirational. There are some poems out there written about sad topics in history, as well as painful experiences people go through. And for some people, putting their pain and trauma into a poem is the only way they can write about it.

 

By putting all of that pain into a book and telling my story of having survived all those things, it is like walking free into the future. I don’t carry those burdens around anymore; they now live within the pages of my poetry book. This book that tells the story of some of the darkest chapters of my life.

 

So why did I choose to have it published? There are MANY other poems I wrote about painful experiences which I keep packed away. There are MANY essays I wrote during hard times that won’t ever see print.

 

Well, I chose to move forward with getting these poems published because I wanted my story in print. I want it out there. It is also a good way for me to prepare for when my memoir, which also contains some other painful experiences, will be published as well. This is just another step I am taking in sharing my pain and trauma in a public platform. Everyone has the right to tell their stories. These are some of mine.

 

I am grateful to Written Tales for publishing my book. And thank you, Kevin Saitta, for editing the poems and putting it all together into a book I am happy with. It helped me to heal. And just as my story had a happy ending, I hope that it will let others know that no matter how dark things are now, there is a light at the end.

 

Here is the blurb:

 

Within the pages of this chapbook, you will delve into the profound and harrowing journey of author Dawn Colclasure. Her collection of confessional poems is a reflection of the darkest chapters of her life. Dawn's narrative unfolds from the haunting echoes of a turbulent childhood marred by abuse and violence to the heart-wrenching betrayal of trust through sexual assault. Through her verses, you will bear witness to the moments when hopelessness eclipsed the possibility of a brighter future, prompting her to grapple with thoughts of self-harm. As a survivor of severe burns, Dawn endured relentless bullying and painful rejection, ultimately leading to a profound sense of low self-esteem, self-hatred, and the suffocating embrace of depression.

 

"The House That Madness Built" stands as a testament to a life entrenched in turmoil, a life that spiraled into the depths of alcoholism and despair. Yet, it is also a story of resilience, redemption, and the stark moment of reckoning when Dawn was forced to confront her addictions. This collection takes you on an exploration of her choices between life and death, a profound and transformative odyssey that paints a striking portrait of the human spirit's enduring will to survive.

 

Here is the buy link