Fighting Back Against Common Writer Problems

 

Photo Credit:  xusenru via Pixabay

Some people know that I have chronic depression. But not everybody knows what exactly I am dealing with when I share that “my depression is hitting me hard.” It’s not something I can snap out of. It’s not something that will magically go away if you tell me things like “it could be worse” or “things will get better.” Duh. I know all of this. That’s not going to change anything. I won’t suddenly feel better and be able to do stuff again. So when my depression hits me hard, it hits me hard. I have no desire to do ANYTHING. I am overwhelmed with sadness. There is no motivation, no anticipation, and no drive to do stuff. Just sadness. And it just comes out of nowhere; nothing triggers it. It just happens.

 

That’s what happened to me last weekend – particularly, on a Sunday, when I had stuff to do. And nothing really seemed to help, although my husband taking the time to talk with me did alleviate some of my pain.

 

And since that day, I have been trying to get back on track with everything. It has been a slow process, though. But I have been spending this week trying to regain the strength I had to push aside that depression and keep going.

 

Monday was a hard day too, though. I was able to do a few things, but there was NO motivation to write. At the end of the day, though, I wrote in my journal (which is my daily habit) and I got excited over how I managed to write a whole page in my journal. That helped a lot.

 

And I think that is what helped me to get some of my motivation to write back, because on Tuesday, I was able to write again! Yay! I got some writing done both in a short story I was writing and in a book I am revising.

 

But there were other things I could have written on Tuesday. But I didn’t write them. Why?

 

I had a different beast to contend with. A beast that was telling me things like “You are the worst writer on the entire planet!” and “Nobody cares about anything you write, so why bother?” and “Your writing sucks!”

 

The problem was, part of me was believing all of that. And I knew that if I REALLY believed all of that, then I would never write again.

 

With everything I have going on right now, I couldn’t let that happen!

 

I have a book I needed to finish revising and get back into print, because I KNOW it will be useful to other writers out there!

 

I have a series I need to finish writing and get published with a new publisher!

 

I have another book that I need to finish editing and get it back into print!

 

I have another book that I need to finish revising and get it out there in the world because one person in that book will be very happy when it is finally published!

 

And I have short stories that I need to either write or finish revising for anthologies that I have been attached to.

 

In other words, there are people out there who are relying on me to keep writing and keep working!

 

And I HAVE to keep writing and working on these projects even if the voices in my head are telling me that I’m full of shit and that my writing stinks.

 

It took me a while to realize that something bigger was going on here. It wasn’t just self-doubt I was dealing with. No, this was something worse.

 

This was IMPOSTER SYNDROME.

 

Yes, that’s right. I was now dealing with Imposter Syndrome.

 

Those voices in my head telling me that I should give up because my writing wasn’t worth anything were a product of Imposter Syndrome.

 

Once I reminded myself of the need to keep writing because of all of those people depending on me to turn work in, I felt both strength and anger surge through me. Strength to get back up again and get back to work, and anger at this THING in my head that was trying to stand in my way. This THING in my head that was trying to keep me down.

 

I gave that thing a face and I said to that face, “You know what? Fuck you!” And I mentally punched it!

 

Did it work? Well, I was able to work on ONE of my books again, and I was able to write/revise a short story. That was all that I had the strength for. But it was enough.

 

This experience in combatting Imposter Syndrome helped me to realize that I CAN rise above it, because now I know how to fight it: Reminding myself of the people depending on me to get shit done, and finding the strength to fight back. To punch Imposter Syndrome right in the face!

 

The next day, I managed to write a thousand words in my novel, even though I hated every word. (I told myself that it’s a first draft and I can always fix it later.)

 

And now I have written this blog post, too. Take that, Imposter Syndrome!

 

What’s interesting is that on the same day that I wrote this blog post, I came across a Substack post for one of the Substacks I am subscribed to: “Imposter Syndrome” by Loralee Clark.

 

Reading this post really made me appreciate overcoming my own bout with Imposter Syndrome. It is very hard to do, but not impossible.

 

I loved how she wrote: “Sometimes Imposter Syndrome leaves us in this untenable position where we believe there is something wrong with us and then we are stuck in the reality of not good enough. Let’s begin to move away from this untruth.” As I was grappling with imposter Syndrome, what terrified me is just how easy it was to believe all the things that voice in my head was telling me. That my writing isn’t good enough. Who on earth am I to even DARE to write at all? I was only setting myself up for failure and embarrassment if I even so much as submitted my work. But THESE ARE ALL LIES! It’s just a matter of seeing them for what they are: Untruths.

 

Another quote I loved from this piece was this one: “Having doubts and feeling vulnerable—perfectly normal. Not allowing ourselves full creative expression? Harmful.” Imposter Syndrome can ruin our whole day and every single attempt we make to try to create. By giving in to this terrible affliction, we are robbing ourselves of our creativity. We are shunning that part of ourselves that not only wants to be creative but NEEDS to be creative.

 

And that’s why it’s so important to fight back against Imposter Syndrome. There are suggestions offered in that post. Or you can do what I did and just punch it in the face!

 

Seriously, there is no right or wrong way to deal with Imposter Syndrome. It really is a personal choice. The important thing is that you don’t allow it to fester or continue to rent space in your head.   

 

So this week was all about tackling three things that could spell disaster for a writer, especially a writer with deadlines! They were depression, lack of motivation, and Imposter Syndrome. Unfortunately, I don’t have a way to banish the depression when it is hitting me that hard, but I do know that it helped A LOT to have someone there to talk to me and show compassion for what I was going through. Just someone BEING THERE helped a lot. Maybe that’s a solution, maybe not. But doing something proactive when faced with adversary is better than accepting it and letting it get worse.  

When a nonfiction book just wasn't working anymore

Several years ago, I was contacted by someone who was recovering from addiction. This person wanted to communicate with me about the goings-on in her life on her road to recovery and she wanted to communicate with me as she moved from one step to the next. She was recovering from a drug addiction and decided to keep in touch with me by sharing her experiences. I was so inspired by her story that I started writing a book about making positive changes in your life – as this woman had done. She was ultimately the person who inspired me to write this book.

Unfortunately, her story does not have a happy ending. Thankfully, she did not go back to being a drug addict, but the damage done by her addiction ravaged her health so terribly that she was no longer a functioning adult in society.

This turn of events made me seriously reconsider the book I started writing, which was pretty much based on her story and her progress in breaking free of addiction and living a brand new life. On one hand, I did not see her end result as a disaster. This is, unfortunately, what happens to many recovering addicts. Sometimes, they are not able to completely have a new life because of what their long-term addiction ended up doing to them mentally and physically. This is a very sad outcome for many recovering addicts. However, I was not about to abandon the book I started writing. I didn’t want to just drop it. I felt that it was an important book to continue working on. However, because things were different in the woman’s case now, I had to seriously reconsider just exactly what I was writing.

In the end, I decided to break the book I was working on into two books. The first book would be about taking care of personal negative issues – fear, anxiety, addiction and self-doubts – and the second book would be the one about creating a more healthier lifestyle.

Because the first book deals with some serious issues which I firmly believe would need the assistance of a professional, I decided that it would be a good idea to seek a co-author for the book. Specifically, someone trained to help someone overcome anxiety and addiction. The whole conquering fear thing and working on self-doubt areas are definitely subjects I can write about well, because I have a lot of experience with those two things, but I definitely felt the anxiety and addiction subjects needed a trained professional. So I am in the process of looking for a professional to co-author that book with me.

As a side note, I do also have experience with addiction. I struggled with a drinking problem for years. There was just so much personal turmoil I was going through for so long, so many times I hated myself and wished I was dead and battled with regrets, and it was just too much for me and drove me to drinking. I was also struggling with depression and personal loss. Thankfully, these days I am stronger and have broken free of all of that. I have had to learn to forgive myself for being such a shitty person in the past and try to be a better person in the present. But, yes, I do have experience with that sort of thing. I know those horrors so well. I have also had panic attacks – I don’t know if that’s something that can be “cured” or “controlled” or whatever, but I do know I’ll cross THAT bridge eventually. Maybe teaming up with a professional who works with people battling anxiety will help out there. One thing I do know, though, is that I am certainly not that person anymore, though I am not yet physically where I want to be – but I WILL get there.

That second book will be my journey to get there. It will also have some of the material that was covered in the original book that I started writing. So, basically, the first book will deal with issues on the inside and the second book will deal with issues on the outside. And I think that is a better way to go about it. After all, breaking free of addiction means working on yourself inside and out. You need to address the problems you’re dealing with on the inside and change your life on the outside. And even though I keep thinking that nobody is going to care about my own personal journey to creating a more active lifestyle and getting into better shape, I still want to write the book anyway. I want to go on this journey, have that experience, and write about it! And if my publisher wants to publish this book, then that’s even better! It won’t be me telling the world “Follow this program because it worked for me!” It will just be me writing about this lifestyle change. That’s it. I’m not doing it for attention (HA! As if I EVER do anything for attention!) or to be on TV (no thanks!). It will just be to write a book about the whole year-long experience. If people are inspired by it and if it helps them to change their life for the better, then that would be really awesome. But that won’t be why I’ll be writing that book.

And for the record, I’m still going to be an introvert and a private person and taking on that whole “lone wolf” thing. But I’ll just be living life a little bit differently! This second book will be that transformation.

Overcoming Adversity: Being a Burn Survivor

I was tagged by Karen over at a Deaf Mom Shares Her World ( http://putzworld.blogspot.com/ ). This is part of Stephen Hopson's, over at Adversity Universitys, project on the Secrets of Overcoming Adversity ( http://adversityuniversity.blogspot.com/2007/06/secrets-of-dealing-with-adversity.html ).

I was only 20 months old when something happened that would change my life forever: I was burned. My mother was walking home one day, after walking my sister to the bus stop, and she carried me in her arms as she walked along the busy street of Southern Pasadena (California). According to the story that had been told to me many times, only after I was old enough to understand it, this woman was recklessly driving a van in the wrong direction on the street. My mother and I were in this woman's path. My sister was screaming to my mom to watch out but my mother couldn't hear her. The van hit my mom and pinned her to a brick wall. On impactr, I was thrown from my mother's arms and I landed, unconscious, underneath the burning van. If it were not for the firefighters who rescued me from under that burning van. I would've died in the following explosion.

And, yet, I had not escaped from the fire unscathed. The flames from the vehicle burned me. I ended up with third-degree burns on my entire left arm, on the left side of my face, some of the left side of my head, on my back and left side. My left hand was too badly damaged from the accident and my fingers had to be amputated. All that was left of my "stump" of a hand was a tiny piece of thumb. My left ear was also damaged from the fire; only a tiny part of it remained on my head.

The accident left me in a coma for several months. My mother also suffered injury; her left leg, from the knee down, was amputated.
I was only a baby when the accident happened, so I can't remember much. All I later remembered, when I was in my 20s, was flying through the air after the van hit my mom. That's it. My parents refused to allow me to see the newspaper story and they wouldn't allow me to watch the news about it, either. (They had taped it.) It was a very traumatic experience for all of us. Both my mother and I were in and out of the hospital a lot. When I was about 11 or 12, I had a "toe-to-thumb" transplant done on my left hand, to allow me to have a "toe-thumb" finger. Later, two more toes were taken from my other foot and I now had 3 fingers on my left hand. (Here is a picture of my hand as it is today: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/37406164/?qo=59&q=by%3Agreenwolf103&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps ) I also had cartilage taken from my right rib to create an "ear" for my left ear. It doesn't look like a "normal" ear but it's an ear enough for me! Until I was 17 years old, I had numerous reconstructive surgical procedures done, taking place in California and New York, by skilled and renowned doctors such as Dr. A. Richard Grossman, Dr. Harry J. Buncke and Dr. Elliott Rose, but never would I look like a "normal" person. This is the one thing which burned deeply within my heart: I wanted to look normal. I wanted to look like everybody else. I didn't want to have burn scars anymore; I wanted SKIN! Real skin!

And growing up with burn scars, getting picked on and bullied by kids in schools that I attended and getting looks of fright or disgust from others I crossed paths with, only added to this desire. As I got older, you could probably imagine how hard it was for me to have dates with boys. I was turned down and rejected many times. I was always "just a friend" and nothing more. My parents often consoled this pain I had to deal with, assuring me that someone VERY special, with a good heart who didn't care about looks, was out there waiting for me to meet someday. (Only years later, in my 30s, did I come to understand and appreciate this wiosdom.) But being a teenager, I didn't really believe this. I had no dates at the school dances. I felt left out while my girlfriends hung around their boyfriends. And of course I blamed my burn scars for this rejection. I didn't want to look like this anymore. I wanted to look normal.

But I eventually learned that...well, we can't really "define" normal now, can we? I mean, what IS normal? Really?

What does it really mean to look like everybody else? What's wrong with looking like...well, like ME?

This is the one thing I often take pride in nowadays. That I look so unique. As much as my appearance's imperfections make me feel so disheartened, no matter how it saddens and angers me that people and children can react so negatively to how I look, I still take pride in the fact that I DON'T look like everybody else. I look like me. This is me. This is Dawn Colclasure, burns and all. This is who I am and how I present myself to the world. This is my "normal." And I will not hide from my scars in shame. This is part of the reason why I refuse to wear make-up. I am not ashamed of my face. I am not ashamed of how I look. And I will not hide behind make-up or some mask, either.

I have ultimately learned, though, that life is not about how we look. It's about who we are. It's about the kind of life we live in this world. It's about what we do for ourselves and for others. It's about giving, about sharing, about helping, about leading. It's not about beauty...it's about love. Loving ourselves for who we are, not for how we look. Loving others for who they are, not how they look.

And most important of all....loving our life.