Writing is What Gave Me Hope When I Was About to Lose All Hope

 

Photo Credit: fotografierende via Pixabay

 

The year was 2020 and it was not only a bad year for the entire world that was dealing with a pandemic, but it was also a bad year for me. After months of dealing with constantly changing protocols at a job that required I wear a mask for several hours, I resigned. I didn’t want to quit this job, but because I had been written up too many times, I was faced with the choice to either quit or lose a substantial amount of money earned through PTO. So I quit that job in order to at least walk away with some money in my pocket to help tide us over until something else came along.

 

Still, I was very depressed, as I had created an entire identity around that job. I loved the work, so it was hard to walk away from it after almost three years. But it was time for a change.

 

And that change was writing.

 

I did manage to get another job shortly after I resigned from being a Direct Support Professional (DSP), but I was let go from it three months later.

 

The thing that was still a constant in my life even after I lost the other job? Writing.

 

Up until I started writing again in late 2020, I had been dealing with a dry spell. This occurred during my recovery from alcoholism-induced pancreatitis, which happened in 2017. For some reason, I was unable to write! As worrying and alarming as this was for me, I didn’t realize at the time that my body was going through a transformation. After years of being a heavy drinker, I was no longer drinking. I was no longer an alcoholic. And this shift took my body by surprise. This shift meant that I needed to go through a reset and allow my body, as well as my brain, to heal from those years of addiction.

 

I had to wait until I was able to write again in order to resume writing again. Writing did come back into my life, in its own time. At the right time. At a time that I needed it the most.

 

While I was going through that dry spell, though, I focused my energy on finding satisfaction through other means. I read books, threw myself into my job, and got out there to explore. These things brought me satisfaction. They brought me joy.

 

But once the BIGGEST thing that brought me joy was gone, I hit rock bottom. I was extremely depressed. And because I kept hearing about more people dying from Covid as well as more people losing their jobs and more people struggling through the pandemic, I started to lose hope.

 

Then writing came back into my life. It brought me the joy that I lost. Even better, it brought back hope. Being able to write again was something of a miracle for me, and it brought some hope back into my life.

 

And nearly six years later, I am still writing. (I am also still sober!)

 

Having witnessed how writing can change a person’s life and boost their mental health is what inspired me to write the book Write for Your Life!: The Health Benefits of Writing. While doing research for this book, I learned about how writing can improve our mental health. As someone who has chronic depression, anxiety, and panic disorder, I have also personally experienced how writing has indeed helped my mental health. Writing provides me with a strong sense of satisfaction, release, empowerment, and therapy. I keep a daily journal, and I gotta say that being able to rant and whine on the pages has been immensely helpful. (Sometimes I’ll rant to my husband, but only after he insists that I share what is bothering me. I really don’t like dumping things on people.)  

 

While I understand that not everyone can benefit from writing, it still remains a powerful tool in coping with the downsides of life, as well as offering healing when mental health issues get out of hand.

 

Writing is the one thing we have control over.

 

Writing is the one thing we can choose to do in our own time.

 

Writing is the one thing that we can rely on as a constant in our lives.

 

The best part about writing? Anyone can do it. You don’t need to write for publication. You don’t need any special tools to write with (you can write with pen and paper or even on your phone). You don’t need to have any special training in order to write. You can write, in your own way and in your own time.

 

So, write. It will offer you the joy you might be missing. It can bring some hope back into your life. I know that it did for me, and it still does.

Pushing Forward and Pulling Back

Photo Credit: Elisa Ventur on Pixabay

 

“Don’t push yourself.” This was advice I gave to a friend who wanted to go for walks in spite of her ongoing bouts with dizziness.

 

It’s advice I had to follow this week, as well.

 

Writers are known for pushing forward in order to meet a deadline, finish writing a WIP, or to get to that next chapter. We go without food, sleep, water, exercise, and social gatherings in order to meet these goals.

 

And that has been something that I have been doing this week, as well.

 

For the most part, I had daily writing goals to meet: Work on at least one of my WIP, get some writing done in a certain article that is due at the end of the month, work on the SPARREW Newsletter. And so far, I met those goals.

 

But it was rough going.

 

Part of the recovery process from my eye surgery includes using eye drops several times a day. At first, it was four times a day, and with three different eye drops to use at five-minute intervals, that took some time out of my days. Now it’s three times a day for just two of them. They still require some time away from the work I am doing. Even so, I am certainly investing that time in the post-op care for my eye, as it is very important and contributes to the overall healing process for my eye.

 

I also had to take time to rest when I was dealing with headaches. (Yes, unfortunately, I’m still having those darn headaches! I guess they weren’t a result of my vision problem after all.) There was also a day I had a really bad dizzy spell, which also required rest.

 

These are times I pulled back from my drive to Get Things Done. I was out of commission. Unavailable.

 

But there were times that I pushed forward, too, in spite of everything going on. I pushed forward to get writing done in books. I pushed forward to read manuscript submissions. And I pushed forward to finish writing one thing or another.

 

Yes, as writers, we tend to push forward to meet obligations, but sometimes, we gotta know when to pull back too. If at all possible, pull back if you need to. Your health is more important than the writing or attending a con. Your mental health is especially important and should not suffer all for the writing cause.

 

Make sure you know when it’s okay to push forward and when you need to pull back. And if you really do need to pull back, then do so without guilt. Step away, slow down, and rest. We aren’t machines that can operate 24/7. We need breaks, we need rest. But, ultimately, we need to take care of ourselves. If we don’t take care of ourselves, then the writing suffers. So push forward if you are able to, but pull back when you need to.  

 

Fighting Back Against Common Writer Problems

 

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Some people know that I have chronic depression. But not everybody knows what exactly I am dealing with when I share that “my depression is hitting me hard.” It’s not something I can snap out of. It’s not something that will magically go away if you tell me things like “it could be worse” or “things will get better.” Duh. I know all of this. That’s not going to change anything. I won’t suddenly feel better and be able to do stuff again. So when my depression hits me hard, it hits me hard. I have no desire to do ANYTHING. I am overwhelmed with sadness. There is no motivation, no anticipation, and no drive to do stuff. Just sadness. And it just comes out of nowhere; nothing triggers it. It just happens.

 

That’s what happened to me last weekend – particularly, on a Sunday, when I had stuff to do. And nothing really seemed to help, although my husband taking the time to talk with me did alleviate some of my pain.

 

And since that day, I have been trying to get back on track with everything. It has been a slow process, though. But I have been spending this week trying to regain the strength I had to push aside that depression and keep going.

 

Monday was a hard day too, though. I was able to do a few things, but there was NO motivation to write. At the end of the day, though, I wrote in my journal (which is my daily habit) and I got excited over how I managed to write a whole page in my journal. That helped a lot.

 

And I think that is what helped me to get some of my motivation to write back, because on Tuesday, I was able to write again! Yay! I got some writing done both in a short story I was writing and in a book I am revising.

 

But there were other things I could have written on Tuesday. But I didn’t write them. Why?

 

I had a different beast to contend with. A beast that was telling me things like “You are the worst writer on the entire planet!” and “Nobody cares about anything you write, so why bother?” and “Your writing sucks!”

 

The problem was, part of me was believing all of that. And I knew that if I REALLY believed all of that, then I would never write again.

 

With everything I have going on right now, I couldn’t let that happen!

 

I have a book I needed to finish revising and get back into print, because I KNOW it will be useful to other writers out there!

 

I have a series I need to finish writing and get published with a new publisher!

 

I have another book that I need to finish editing and get it back into print!

 

I have another book that I need to finish revising and get it out there in the world because one person in that book will be very happy when it is finally published!

 

And I have short stories that I need to either write or finish revising for anthologies that I have been attached to.

 

In other words, there are people out there who are relying on me to keep writing and keep working!

 

And I HAVE to keep writing and working on these projects even if the voices in my head are telling me that I’m full of shit and that my writing stinks.

 

It took me a while to realize that something bigger was going on here. It wasn’t just self-doubt I was dealing with. No, this was something worse.

 

This was IMPOSTER SYNDROME.

 

Yes, that’s right. I was now dealing with Imposter Syndrome.

 

Those voices in my head telling me that I should give up because my writing wasn’t worth anything were a product of Imposter Syndrome.

 

Once I reminded myself of the need to keep writing because of all of those people depending on me to turn work in, I felt both strength and anger surge through me. Strength to get back up again and get back to work, and anger at this THING in my head that was trying to stand in my way. This THING in my head that was trying to keep me down.

 

I gave that thing a face and I said to that face, “You know what? Fuck you!” And I mentally punched it!

 

Did it work? Well, I was able to work on ONE of my books again, and I was able to write/revise a short story. That was all that I had the strength for. But it was enough.

 

This experience in combatting Imposter Syndrome helped me to realize that I CAN rise above it, because now I know how to fight it: Reminding myself of the people depending on me to get shit done, and finding the strength to fight back. To punch Imposter Syndrome right in the face!

 

The next day, I managed to write a thousand words in my novel, even though I hated every word. (I told myself that it’s a first draft and I can always fix it later.)

 

And now I have written this blog post, too. Take that, Imposter Syndrome!

 

What’s interesting is that on the same day that I wrote this blog post, I came across a Substack post for one of the Substacks I am subscribed to: “Imposter Syndrome” by Loralee Clark.

 

Reading this post really made me appreciate overcoming my own bout with Imposter Syndrome. It is very hard to do, but not impossible.

 

I loved how she wrote: “Sometimes Imposter Syndrome leaves us in this untenable position where we believe there is something wrong with us and then we are stuck in the reality of not good enough. Let’s begin to move away from this untruth.” As I was grappling with imposter Syndrome, what terrified me is just how easy it was to believe all the things that voice in my head was telling me. That my writing isn’t good enough. Who on earth am I to even DARE to write at all? I was only setting myself up for failure and embarrassment if I even so much as submitted my work. But THESE ARE ALL LIES! It’s just a matter of seeing them for what they are: Untruths.

 

Another quote I loved from this piece was this one: “Having doubts and feeling vulnerable—perfectly normal. Not allowing ourselves full creative expression? Harmful.” Imposter Syndrome can ruin our whole day and every single attempt we make to try to create. By giving in to this terrible affliction, we are robbing ourselves of our creativity. We are shunning that part of ourselves that not only wants to be creative but NEEDS to be creative.

 

And that’s why it’s so important to fight back against Imposter Syndrome. There are suggestions offered in that post. Or you can do what I did and just punch it in the face!

 

Seriously, there is no right or wrong way to deal with Imposter Syndrome. It really is a personal choice. The important thing is that you don’t allow it to fester or continue to rent space in your head.   

 

So this week was all about tackling three things that could spell disaster for a writer, especially a writer with deadlines! They were depression, lack of motivation, and Imposter Syndrome. Unfortunately, I don’t have a way to banish the depression when it is hitting me that hard, but I do know that it helped A LOT to have someone there to talk to me and show compassion for what I was going through. Just someone BEING THERE helped a lot. Maybe that’s a solution, maybe not. But doing something proactive when faced with adversary is better than accepting it and letting it get worse.