A book does not mean "forever"

Recently, my daughter started telling me about this song she liked. I reacted with the same way I do when she talks about stuff I am not really interested in: Smile, nod and pretend to understand her when I’m not really lipreading everything she says. But when she asked me if I wanted to read the lyrics of this song, I ‘fessed up: I wasn’t really interested in music. I don’t care about music, about songs or anything related to the music industry. This surprised her. She said she didn’t understand why I was saying that after I’d written about my love for music in my book, Parenting Pauses:Life as a Deaf Parent.

I shrugged and told her, “That was the old me. I don’t care about music anymore.”

There’s actually a lot of things I don’t really care about anymore, but that’s for a whole ‘nother blog post!

This made me think about how I’ve often had the idea that if I put something into a book, then it will last forever. It will stand with that message forever. It will represent ME … forever.

But that isn’t exactly true. The way I see it, it captured “me” at that particular time in my life. It doesn’t represent the me that I will always be. It does not represent the kind of person that I was or will be forever and ever.

People change. I have changed. Books, alas, cannot change, unless the author takes the old book off the market and throws out a new, revised and updated edition. (I would not do that, though, with the books that share aspects of my life through poems or essays. I am fine with leaving them in print just the way they are, because they represent the person I used to be, and not the person I am now.)

Once upon a time, I loved music. I don’t anymore.

Once upon a time, I sang Christmas carols. I don’t anymore.

Once upon a time, I juggled two or three books or projects at once. I don’t anymore.

Once upon a time, I preached about NEVER giving up no matter what happens. I don’t anymore.

Once upon a time, I used to believe in going after our dreams and making our dreams come true. I don’t anymore.

But all of that stuff is in my poetry books or my essays. And you know what? I am okay with that. Really. Leave it there. That’s the person I used to be. The person I once was. But not the person I am now.

It’s the same thing I went through with my first novel. I thought my first novel was AWESOME! At 19, I had given my novel my Very Best. I put everything I had into it and labored through the editing process. I thought it was GREAT!

It was only several years later after I had grown as a writer and put many years of effort into perfecting my craft that I realized that first novel sucked. The writing was just terrible. If anybody wanted to read it, I’d tell them, “Don’t read it! It will give you nightmares!”

But I did not try to remove it from the world. I let it stay out there. I did revise it and I’m totally happy with the new version of that book, but I will not look back on that experience with regret. Because, you know what? That book represented the kind of writer I was at the time. It was just the way I wrote. It represents just how I measured up as a writer at THAT particular “moment in time.” So, no, I don’t regret it. We all learn from our mistakes. We all grow from our mistakes. I have gone on to write other books, other novels. It’s all good.

Once upon a time, I thought that putting something into a book meant that it would last forever. It would represent “me” forever. But now I know that it only represents the kind of person that I am at that particular time. It won’t represent the kind of person, or the kind of writer, that I am 5 years down the road. Ten years down the road. Other books can do that.