Despondency

Yesterday, something happened that threw me into a very deep depression last night. I know they say you need to hit rock bottom before you can get to the top. Maybe this was not literally "rock bottom" but it sure was a huge wake-up call. Something like getting knocked upside the head with a Reality Paddle. So, what happened, exactly?

I got my royalty statement for the Tips book.

Why is this so terrible? Because on that statement, it showed that not one copy of that book has sold since December. Not one. In all of these seven months of the year so far, nobody, NOBODY, has bought one copy of that book. At all.

The news was really hard for me to bear. I got upset over it at first. When I told my husband, he commented, "Well, if you quit writing now, it's not like anybody is going to notice."

"I know," I sadly agreed.

But I'm not going to quit writing. I CAN'T! It's like I told my daughter: Writing is in my blood. By that, I don't mean my ancestors were all writers. (Maybe some of them were.) But by that, I mean that writing comes as naturally to me as breathing. It is something I CANNOT just turn off. Writing is a very big part of me and a part of my life. It's like I was "born to write," so to speak.

Still, the fact that my books are not selling at all this year (and yes, I mean "books" plural) still hangs over me and pulls me down. I have only sold one copy of all of my books this year so far and that's it. As far as I know, anyway.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm fighting against some invisible force that does not want me to succeed as a writer. I have not been able to get into the glossies. The one literary agent I did have was not a very good agent. Rejections kept coming in. I kept being turned away by the major publishing houses. Told "no" by a lot of people. Forgotten about by a lot of other people. My newsletter has less than 100 subscribers. When I was publishing an E-zine, I got submissions from the regular writers who contributed to it and barely anything from A LOT of other writers. No one sent in any tips to share, either. People were ignoring my emails. And some people who did answer emails from me said things like:

"Who are you?"

"I don't know who you are. I've never heard of you before."

"I can't find this so-called book of yours anywhere on the Internet."

"I've never heard of your publisher."

"I think you're some kind of poser or fake."

And my books are not selling!

It was enough to just drive me to tears last night.

But I didn't cry at first. First I got upset about it. Then I tried to be proactive about it.

For some time, I've had an idea for an article to write, but just haven't gotten around to putting together an outline for it or do research for it. It's basically about how to sell a seasonal book all year. Things you can do to make something like a Christmas book appeal to buyers in April, you know? And I always thought the Tips book was seasonal. I mean, I put the muscle into promoting the book every fall and winter. Not much else.

So maybe I can try out what I do to promote this book all year as what ideas and suggestions to put into my article. Let my book be the guinea pig! (The article might have greater appeal if I have that kind of success story to go with it.)

But maybe my book isn't "seasonal." Just because it has 365 writing tips for every day of the year. Maybe I can find a way to KEEP promoting it day after day, month after month. That might change things. Heck, somebody might even buy it in March or June! And find it useful, too.

I can try that. And use books on book promotion to help that, too. (I just bought a copy of Patricia Fry's book, Over 75 Good Ideas For Promoting Your Book.)

The bottom line is, I was trying to tell myself that my book is not a bad book. I've heard comments from people who have bought it telling me how much they liked it, how it helped them and inspired them. And Carolyn Howard-Johnson called this book "the I Ching for writers." That's a really big compliment. So, it's not like this book just...sucks.

I used all of that internal pep talk to try to cheer myself up. And true to my resolve NOT to quit writing, I worked my tail off on the RGT book yesterday. And I made plans to work on it today and get the ball rolling with Phase Two of getting this book together to send off. I have a deadline, after all! I will honor that deadline.

But by day's end...after the kids were asleep and I was puttering about the house and tidying up....I was sad all over again. Not sad. Depressed. Angst-ridden. Despondent. I was going around in the kitchen, crying as I clattered the dishes and pans together. Crying and cleaning at the same time! I didn't care if my neighbors saw me crying like that. I was just so sad.

And later, as I sat on the couch staring at that royalty statement and seeing those figures, I just kept crying about it. I just stared at it and felt like everything I have done for all these years in trying to be a successful author has gone down the tubes. Like I wasted all that time. I felt like I was a waste of print. That I wasted every editor's time. Every other writer's time. Like everything I ever write should never again be read. By anyone.

Yes, I was THAT depressed. I was just...in a dark pit. Feeling sorry for myself and everything.

But I'm glad that it got as bad as it did. I'm glad I had that good cry and got through my "pity me party." You know why?

Because now I am able to get back up again and keep going. Now I have a newfound sense of determination to achieve my goals and make my dreams come true. I had that low point. I had that smack of reality. Now it is time to get back on that horse and keep moving forward. I will survive. I will keep going. I will persevere and NEVER give up. It's time to pick myself up by my bootstraps and keep on keeping on.

I just can't stop writing. I love to write. And I love writing books. That is the heart of everything that I do as a writer. I do this for the love of it. Not for the money. Not for the fame. Not to sell a bazillion copies of my book every year.

Because it's what I love to do. And I have to keep that in mind no matter what my royalty statements say. True, I do indeed need to take from this a newfound dedication to promoting my books for all part of the year. True this means I need to pay more attention to getting the word out that these books exist. And make sure ALL of them are available everywhere and in every way to everybody. But the point is, I write books because I love to write books. This is my passion. This is what I do. And I need to stay true to what it is that I want to do in life.

No matter what happens and what people say, I will keep writing and keep getting books out there. Even if I don't have anyone standing behind me or offering support, I will have to give myself my own support. I'll have to be my own cheerleading team.

Maybe it's "just a dream" but all dreams are worth fighting for. All dreams are worth putting in the effort to make them come true. Maybe this dreamer isn't exactly a very popular one, but this dreamer isn't going to give up and let her dreams die.